No Kings, Just the Return of the Hall Monitors
What the June 14 Protests Got So Tragically, Stupidly Right — and Fatally, Comically Wrong
"Attacking the billionaire class because they're of the millionaire class."
The U.S. Army turns 250.
Trump turns 79.
And across the country, thousands of earnest Americans hit the streets to chant “No Kings!” in protest.
It was supposed to be a message:
Trump is a despot. Trump is a danger. Trump is militarizing the pageantry of America and crowning himself king on his birthday, backed by jets and flags and the boom of history made spectacle.
But if you weren’t already on Team Resistance, here’s what you actually saw:
A flash mob of the same people who ruined the country’s patience in the first place.
You saw:
The people who called you a murderer for going to the gym in 2020
The ones who shamed your family for hosting a funeral
The ones who told your kid they were a bigot for not understanding neopronouns
The ones who called your dad a fascist for voting Republican
The ones who cancelled Thanksgiving, Christmas, books, jokes, comedians, teachers, schools, and anyone who said "I’m not sure I agree"
You didn’t see Paul Revere.
You saw the Vice Principal of America, clipboard in hand, marching with a megaphone to remind you why you voted for Trump in the first place.
How to Cosplay as a Normie
A Tactical Guide for Winning Hearts and Not Just Likes
Before you grab your cardboard sign and hit the pavement to warn America about creeping authoritarianism, ask yourself one question:
Do I look like someone who actually is America?
Or do I look like someone who moderates the subreddit about America?
Because here’s the cold truth: if you want to win over the country, you have to blend in with it first.
You can’t roll up to a protest looking like an NPR tote bag exploded and expect the guy with the American flag hat to listen. You have to cosplay the normie.
You have to dress like you’re headed to a Fourth of July parade, a church pancake breakfast, or a family trip to Vegas where the kids melt down in front of the M&M store.
If you don’t know what that looks like, let me help:
The Normie Protest Loadout
Shirt: American flag tee, or a faded high school football championship shirt from 1998
Pants: Jeans. Real jeans. Not raw denim. Not selvedge. Not $180.
Shoes: New Balance 608s, Skechers, or a pair of white Nike Monarchs so clean they shine like justice
Hat: Baseball cap — bonus points if it says John Deere, a minor league team, or simply “USA”
Outerwear: Carhartt jacket, or a hoodie from a BBQ joint three towns over
Accessories: A YETI tumbler, a phone holster, and a folding chair with a cupholder
Scent: Freedom, diesel, and SPF 30
Attitude: Friendly but suspicious, casual but unbreakable, and absolutely done with being talked down to
This is what America looks like at the county fair. At the local parade. At Home Depot at 6am on a Saturday.
And it’s what your protest needs to look like if you want anyone outside your Slack channel to take it seriously.
If you’re protesting for America, try looking like you’ve actually been to it.
Because nobody’s listening to the woman in yoga pants yelling about “late-stage capitalism” while sipping a $7 kombucha. But they might just listen to the guy in the camo Crocs if he’s holding an American flag and a sign that says “No Kings.”
No Kings? You Were the Crown
The "No Kings" protestors thought they were warning America.
What they actually did was remind half the country what it felt like to live under their rule.
They weren’t freedom fighters.
They were ex-tyrants, now in exile, demanding a second chance.
And Americans looked at them and said:
“No.”
Not again.
Not ever.
We saw what you did with power when you had it — and it was worse than anything Trump could dream up.
You Didn’t Look Like the Threatened. You Looked Like the Threat.
Here’s the brutal truth:
You weren’t warning people about tyranny.
You were cosplaying the victims of the exact power structure you built.
You demanded masks.
You demanded lockdowns.
You demanded speech codes.
You demanded people be fired.
You demanded compliance, compliance, compliance.
And now you want to protest authoritarianism?
You didn’t look like patriots.
You looked like the reason people prayed for someone, anyone, to fight back.
And along came Trump.
You Were the Reason, Not the Resistance
Let’s say it clearly:
The “No Kings” protests didn’t persuade anyone.
They confirmed everything Trump voters already believe.
You didn’t remind them Trump was dangerous.
You reminded them you were.
You looked like:
The DEI officer who made work unbearable
The HR rep who called them “noncompliant”
The friend who ghosted them for liking a Rogan clip
The smug mask-on-aloner walking their dog in 2021
The person who said “I’m just not comfortable with that kind of humor anymore”
You looked like the power behind the last regime.
And now you’re mad that people voted for its executioner.
Protest or Parody?
You said “No Kings.”
But you came as court jesters of the Global Managerial Class.
You wore:
Patagonia and performance fleece
Athleta and Allbirds
Scarves that cost more than boots
$90 tote bags filled with $30 books you never finished
You carried signs that said “Save Democracy” but everything about you screamed “We already tried our version of it — and it sucked.”
Your vibes were still wet with 2020 moral certainty, stale with 2022 smugness.
You didn’t look like rebels.
You looked like the same people who told us we couldn’t question anything for four years.
You Weren’t “No Kings.” You Were “More Emails.”
If Trump is a threat, why didn’t anyone listen?
Because the warning came from people who abused their moment.
You locked people in their homes.
You mocked the truckers.
You told blue-collar workers to “learn to code.”
You banned church but encouraged protests.
You applauded censorship.
You redefined words.
You rewrote rules.
And when the country finally got sick of it — you called them fascists for noticing.
And now you want a second chance?
Now you want to warn them about power?
Too late.
You already had it.
And you made it unbearable.
You Made Trump Necessary
Not everyone loves Trump.
But a lot of people see him as the only thing that ever stopped you.
That’s what “No Kings” forgot.
The people you think you’re warning?
They see you — not Trump — as the tyrant.
And when you scream about fascism, they see a return to curfews, layoffs, cancellations, shame, snitching, and rules for thee but not for me.
You didn’t look like the resistance.
You looked like what people were resisting.
Final Word: No Kings? You Were the Reason We Chose One
You didn’t chant from below.
You barked from above.
You didn’t look like neighbors.
You looked like narcotics officers for the soul.
You didn’t come in peace.
You came to correct.
And when America saw your faces again — pale, masked, sharp-eyed, credentialed, clipboard-ready — they didn’t feel solidarity.
They felt trauma.
You don’t need a badge to be a tyrant.
Sometimes all you need is a job title and an NPR voice.
So when November comes, and the returns roll in, and you wonder why the country keeps choosing chaos over “decency,” just remember:
You were the leash. He was the bite.
APPENDIX
The Managerial Class Protestor: A Field Guide to the People Who Made You Vote Trump
This is not about class. Not really.
Not about wealth. Not power. Not conspiracy.
This is about a phenotype.
A cultural scent.
A posture. A vibe. An entire semiotic operating system.
The people who showed up to “No Kings” protests didn’t look like revolutionaries.
They didn’t look like victims of state power.
They looked like the upper-middle-tier enforcers of institutional scorn.
The assistant deans of decline.
The permission granters.
The safety consultants for the soul.
They brought signs that said “Fascism” but radiated the exact same energy as the people who made your life feel like a form you filled out wrong in 2021.
They are not poor.
They are not hungry.
They are not religious.
They are not rough.
They are not quiet.
They are everywhere, and they all look exactly the same.
☕ Who Are They?
They are:
Yoga moms who whisper "namaste" but demand you say "Latinx"
Former Peace Corps volunteers now consulting for “ethical capital” funds
Couples who do estate planning as foreplay
People with high-functioning gluten intolerance and low-functioning patriotism
"Exvangelicals" who are just Unitarians with better fonts
Podcasters who have a “conversation” instead of an opinion
🚗 What Do They Drive?
Subaru Outbacks with 6 bumper stickers and zero brake jobs
Tesla Model 3s they’re embarrassed about now
Volvo XC60s with a cracked rearview mirror from trying to parallel park in justice
Toyota Priuses with 3 different dog rescue decals
Former Saabs (emotionally)
Every vehicle smells faintly of oat milk, dog, and moral superiority.
🎒 What Do They Carry?
A $95 canvas tote bag with a quote from a Black poet they’ve never read
A “Feminist AF” pin from a 2018 march they remember fondly but physically regret
A Moleskine notebook for journaling about “holding space”
A New Yorker folded to a Roxane Gay essay they printed but didn’t finish
A backup mask (just in case)
👕 What Do They Wear?
Layered cardigans over graphic tees that say “Teachers Make America Think”
Scarves. In summer. In D.C. humidity. To signify resistance.
Eileen Fisher knits or REI outerwear “because the climate is political”
Socks and sandals. Not as a mistake. As a signal.
Glasses that scream “adjunct” but cost $380
Subtle jewelry made from "reclaimed" metal but ethically, of course
Every item of clothing comes with a backstory.
Every backstory ends with "and then we moved to Takoma Park.”
🧠 What Do They Believe?
That civility is violence, but also that tone matters
That speech is violence, but porn is empowerment
That drag shows are sacred, but saying “America First” is basically Nuremberg
That the Founders were problematic, but Angela Davis is misunderstood
That the Constitution is a living document, but the CDC website is scripture
That religion is fake, but astrology is real
📺 What Do They Watch?
Documentaries about inequality made by billionaires
True crime shows narrated by people who majored in “trauma studies”
MSNBC, but only through curated TikToks
“The Handmaid’s Tale,” but as a manual
“Succession,” but only for the outfits
“Veep,” but they miss the satire
🗣 What Do They Say?
“I just don’t feel safe around that kind of rhetoric.”
“Actually, it’s more complicated than that.”
“There’s a lot of nuance here.”
“As a parent...”
“Lived experience tells us...”
“That framing erases...”
“That tone centers...”
“That language marginalizes...”
“I don’t have an accent, I just have graduate school cadence.”
🏡 Where Do They Live?
D.C. suburbs (Takoma Park, Silver Spring, Alexandria)
Blue state college towns with "In This House We Believe" signs
Gentrified neighborhoods they’ve renamed "historic"
Cohousing communities with robust Slack channels
Brownstones with solar panels and a compost bin full of old virtue
They live near bookstores, dog bakeries, farmer’s markets, and ethnic restaurants they order from via apps that tip preselected 18%.
🧬 What Do They Smell Like?
Lavender hand sanitizer
Burt’s Bees chapstick
Palo Santo + guilt
Almond milk flat whites
That one candle from Whole Foods called “Equity”
The ghost of Anthony Fauci’s breath
🧾 What Do They Do?
They don’t build.
They don’t farm.
They don’t repair.
They don’t risk.
They manage.
They work in:
Nonprofits with 18 staff and no results
Educational technology
Consulting firms that use “impact” as a verb
Diversity training firms with a LinkedIn for every employee
Foundations that study how to change things without ever touching them
Philanthropy with a passion for “placemaking” and $400 dinners
🔮 What Is Their Superpower?
Policy cosplay.
They weaponize procedure.
They gatekeep with acronyms.
They say “trust the science” like it’s a club password.
Their tone is polite, but absolute.
Their eye contact is soft, but aggressive.
Their smiles are tight, as if they’ve just edited your vocabulary in real time.
🤡 Why Are They So Recognizable?
Because you’ve met them.
They ran your HR training.
They audited your syllabus.
They moderated your Facebook group.
They suspended your kid.
They updated the corporate style guide to include a trigger warning on “team-building.”
And when you disagreed with them — they didn’t argue.
They escalated.
🧨 Why Did “No Kings” Fail?
Because the people chanting “No Kings” were the same people who ruled us like royalty for four long years.
They didn’t look like Americans in revolt.
They looked like the people who canceled barbecues.
They didn’t look like patriots.
They looked like every passive-aggressive policy manager who made life a bureaucratic maze of public health theater, institutional scolding, and soft totalitarianism wrapped in a branded hoodie.
They didn’t warn America of tyranny.
They reminded it why tyranny felt like brunch with your in-laws — polite, smug, and mandatory.
In short:
The managerial class didn’t lose the country.
They talked it into leaving.
And then, they protested its exit.
If you’re looking for who drove America into Trump’s arms, look no further than the “No Kings” protester.
She’s holding a sign about democracy.
He’s wearing a mask — outdoors.
They’re both tweeting angrily from a MacBook at a co-op café.
And they still don’t get why no one’s listening.